If It Ain't White, It Ain't Right...

Brother B aka DJ Set Busy Activated circa 2000

Shake It Like A White Girl - Jesse Jaymes
Pop Goes The Weasel - 3rd Bass
Rapture - Blondie

So yeah, I thought I was going to hold it down while Bruh B went through a major life change. At least I offered to. But I didn’t come through with guest columns, just a gang of excuses.

Brother Teevs is wifed up, and after engaging in verbal warfare with the other half many times over my ability to not be home, I’ve had to commit myself to being here, while our 7-month old boy grabs, licks and smacks everything in his range. Though the competition for attention between wife, son and dog is fierce, it’s nice to be wanted at home.

That of course, means shit to you all. You can’t run a successful blog without updates, and so even though we’ve let you down recently, if B’s back, I’m back, and we can get this show rolling again.

If It Ain't White, It Ain't Right:

Over the course of the past year or two, I’d say Brother B has made me 20-25 mix CDs, featuring everything from yet-to-be released hip-hip, to Viktor Vaughn to Europe. I finally got my act together and began returning the favor.

In honor of the often-terrible legacy of Caucasoids, two turntables and a microphone, some of the first mixes I presented B were collections of songs that highlighted the good, bad and ugly of white people rapping.

Here’s the track listing for the two CDs and a thought on each song. And yes, you can help build volume three.

Disc 1

Shake It Like A White Girl - Jesse Jaymes

What a way to set it off for white people. A song from the Delicious Vinyl catalog and era, it’s cornball rap, but it’s not bad. It makes me laugh. And the oh-oh-oh on the hook gets stuck in my head.

My Band - D12

Okay, despite the fact that white people who like “real hip-hop” can’t stand Eminem, this song is actually one of the better-executed funny-rap concepts. Plus Em does a whole verse in mock frat boy voice. Come on!

I'm Fricking Awesome - Paul Barman

This guy is either the funny rap/nerd rap king, or you just think he’s garbage. I dig the fuckin guy, what can I say.

Rain Man - Eminem

Okay, this song is just retardness over a bumping Dre beat, but again Em drops a pretty dope verse in the persona of a down-south preacher.

Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice

Is there any song whiter than this? One of my friends tried to tell me that everyone liked this song at first. Nope, not me. Hated it from day one. Just never felt authentic. That said, I like it now because it reminds of high school in New Jersey. You think that shit wasn’t blasting out of an IROC every day for 6 months? That’s why I know the words. Also, Mr. Van Winkle has become something of a sympathetic figure who I’ve grown to like, after his appearances on VH1 and things.

Pop Goes The Weasel - 3rd Bass

Not only does this song crush Vanilla Ice, but it calls him out for jacking a beat as 3rd Bass jacks the start of Peter Gabriel‘s “Sledgehammer.” Still, the more Serch and Prime Minister Pete Nice the better. I could rock this song like it came out yesterday.

Shamrocks and Shenanigans - House of Pain

Remembered as the group that did Jump Around, I forgot how good a lot of the rest of their debut album Fine Malt Lyrics is. This might be the best song. I don’t know if it’s an old blues riff and some horns DJ Lethal is scratching, but this song is the shit. … “Is it Erica Boyer or Marsha Brady?”

Tap The Bottle - Young Black Teenagers

This used to set the party off in about 10th grade, but personally I just like how they flip the Das-EFX “Hibbidy Hoo Crack a Brew” line at the end. And it goes back and forth with CL Smooth saying “so tap the 40.” Not too many songs have that loud shrieking sound in the background anymore. This group’s other claim to fame was that one of the dudes was Jamal in Class Act.

Where'z Da Party At? - Miilkbone

I believe this cat was produced by Kay Gee or down with Naughty or something. I should know what 80s song this samples … Hall and Oates or something. Anyway, it’s a pretty mediocre song, even if it samples Biggie’s Party and Bullshit.

Word From Our Sponser - Bud Light Losing Locker Room Reporter
It’s a hip-hop mix, you know it gotta have an interlude.

There Is No Future - Non-Phixion

A fairly simple head-nodder from Necro, and drugged-out futuristic white boy rap. A Tera Patrick mention and this genius line “Jews, Muslims, Christians / What the fuck's the difference? / We all want money, drugs & bitches / Anybody that doesn't rubs me suspicious / I don't trust none of y'all I don't trust religion / I don't trust the police or the justice system.” P.S. Is Necro the best rapper with a lisp since Kool G. Rap and Erick Sermon?

On The Eve Of War (Meldrick Taylor Mix) - Jedi Mind Tricks f/the GZA

I’ve praised this song in this space here before, and of the two versions I think the GZA gets off better on this one and Vinnie Paz does on the other one. In any case, we had to bring in a black MC to help hold this album down. Sorry. Still a head-nodder though.

Never Again - Remedy

This is actually a pretty deep song about the Holocaust, which means this Wu-affiliate is probably Jewish. (I’m so observant).

Yellow Brick Road - Eminem

I don’t know how I have more Eminem on here, but since this is partially about being white in the X-Clan days of hip-hop, this song belongs.

Another Word From Our Sponser - Bud Light Male Football Cheerleader

The perfect separation for the women’s section

Rapture - Blondie

Her rhymes get hella wack as soon as she mentions “the man from Mars,” but you gotta remember that this came out early early 80s. Plus, she shouts out Fab 5 Freddy and Grandmaster Flash. This funky-ass song also gave us the “Step into a World” hook that KRS and Puffy revived in 1995 or so.

Ladies - Sarai

This song is unlistenable, but since I couldn’t find any of Tarrie B’s rapping, Sarai had to hold it down for white girl rappers.

Straight Outta Compton - Nina Gordon

A folk singer doing Ice Cube’s verse from the NWA classic. Both perplexing and fascinating. A must-hear, for no good reason.

______

It’s getting a little late, but since I promise to be back with more frequency, I’ll review Disc 2, which features Brian Austin Green of 90210 fame on the mic, foreign rappers and a joint that was later used in a commercial for a women’s bloating medicine, as soon as possible.

A discussion of white rappers is here on the Rotogods message board: Rotogods

Go ahead and sign up over there if you want to take this discussion further than the blog’s comments section allows. We need some more soul over there anyway.

My parting thoughts: After watching Be Cool tonight, I’ve become convinced that if the wife ever gave me the boot, Christina Milian could join Jessica Alba, Eva Mendes and Nia Long on the short list of celebrities that would help me get over the trauma.

-TiVo aka K-Boogie

Catch All Thangs Funky guest blogger K-Boogie's musings on Fantasy Sports on Wednesday mornings at www.rotogods.com.